


And Do I Disappoint You, In Just Being Human

by fightlikeagirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Worship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-22 01:46:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/604467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fightlikeagirl/pseuds/fightlikeagirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's still never entirely comfortable with the way Lucifer looks at him. The way Lucifer will kneel at his feet, eyes wide and reverent, and run his fingers up and across every inch of his body, exploring it, mapping it all out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Do I Disappoint You, In Just Being Human

**Author's Note:**

> from a prompt from cecilesimenon on tumblr

He's still never entirely comfortable with the way Lucifer looks at him. The way Lucifer will kneel at his feet, eyes wide and reverent, and run his fingers up and across every inch of his body, exploring it, mapping it all out. 

It must show in his face, because this evening Lucifer turns to him, says gently, "You look uncomfortable."

Sam bites his lip. "I just—I don't know how this is enough for you."

Lucifer looks at him, one hand idly stroking up and down his leg from his ankle to his knee. "I don't understand."

He looks away, tugs his leg up and out of Lucifer's reach, tucking it into his chest, and Lucifer looks wounded, like a small child who's just had a favorite toy taken away. He's not sure how to explain this. Because for all that Lucifer may be Fallen, he's still an _angel_ and—it's hard not to still have some kind of religious wonder.

"I just don't want to feel like you're settling for something less," he says at last, knowing that it's an awkward and inadequate explanation.

"Because you won't say yes to me," Lucifer says, crossing his legs and folding his arms. "Sam—"

"That's not it," Sam insists, and Lucifer tilts his head. "It's just that—I don't know, I just feel kind of—like I'm not enough." He laughs, a little self-consciously. "I mean, you're an angel, for Christ's sake. You were around for _Genesis_. And I'm just some kid with demon blood in me. I've fucked up more times than I can count."

Lucifer looks fierce. " _Sam_ ," he says, and the tone of his voice brooks no argument. "You are all I have been waiting for for thousands of years."

"And is this really what you were expecting?" Sam says, ignoring the way Lucifer's eyes flash at that. "I mean, a dingy motel room, and, well, me."

"I don't understand why you think so little of yourself." Lucifer's brows are furrowed.

"But you can't deny the fact that I'm human," he argues. "And, I mean, it's not a secret how you feel about us. So I don't—I don't know how this can be enough," he trails off in a small voice.

Lucifer tips his head back, gives him a look like he's calculating something. Then he crawls up the bed, straddling Sam's hips and grabbing his wrists so that they're pinned above his head. He leans in, breath hot against the side of Sam's face, dragging his lips down to his ear, and Sam shivers at the burn his stubble leaves behind. "For thousands of years," he whispers fiercely. "Thousands of years, locked in my cage, knowing nothing but your name. You can't possibly imagine what that was like, not even knowing when you would come into existence. You don't know how many doubts I had, how often I thought that this was simply another way for my Father to punish me, with something new and beautiful and unattainable."

He releases Sam's wrists, cups his face with both hands and kisses him hard. "And then you were born, and my frustration was—unimaginable. All I had to sustain me was the tales my demons brought me, but even through that paltry veil, you were the most beautiful creature. My rage was uncontainable; I destroyed countless demons that day, because I could not have you. The most perfect being, created just for me, and you weren't mine."

Sam looks down and away, but Lucifer captures his jaw with one hand, tilts it back up. "Look at me, Sam. You were perfect. You were like me. I watched you grow up, through someone else's eyes, and it was the most torturously beautiful thing I had ever seen. Your first day of school, I was watching over you; your first girlfriend, the day you left for Stanford. I resented everyone else in your life, because they had more of you than I could, locked away as I was. Every girl you kissed, you can't even know how much I wanted to destroy them for daring to touch what was mine." He takes a breath. "And then you freed me."

Sam lets out a startled breath, because they don't talk about that. They've never talked about it, not since the first time Lucifer had found him in his dreams. It's still too sore, too sensitive.

"I know you haven't forgiven me for that," Lucifer says quietly. "And I'm sorry. I wish it hadn't had to happen the way it did. It was—unfortunate."

"That's an understatement," Sam says, and Lucifer smiles faintly.

"But you can't know what it felt like, to be released from Hell at last. I was so grateful. I would have done anything for you. And I found you, and you were even more perfect and lovely when I finally saw you with my own eyes, and you hated me."

"I didn't know you," Sam says, and Lucifer presses his thumb over his lips.

"You hated me," he says. "And I understood. I used to be beautiful. They called me Lightbringer for a reason. But I'm not anymore, and I understood that even though you had been delivered to me, I still didn't deserve you. You still weren't mine. And I began to doubt that you ever would be. Centuries upon centuries of waiting for you, and I began to think that you would still never belong to me like you were supposed to." He bends down, presses his lips to Sam's forehead in a soft kiss, one that speaks of patience and adoration.

Sam shivers when Lucifer's hands, cool as always, slide up and under his t-shirt, lifting it over his head. "But it couldn't stop me from loving you. And that, I thought, was my Father's true punishment, to put you within my hands, to make you something so lovely that I couldn't do anything but love and adore you, and to put you within my reach only once I was so broken and damaged that you only detested me. I wanted to burn everything. I wanted to destroy cities, because I didn't think you could possibly hate me any more than you already did." He runs cool fingers down Sam's arms, strokes down his chest, making his breathing quicken when he scoots down and lets his fingers wander down into the divet of Sam's hips. Lucifer undoes the button on his jeans, drawing them down and off, followed by his undershorts, and Sam lets his head drop back against the headboard of the bed.

There's the same, familiar fluttering in his stomach as there always is when Lucifer undresses him like this, like he's unwrapping a long-anticipated present. Because it's not like he doesn't understand what Lucifer means about them being two parts of the same whole, not like he can ignore the way Lucifer's touch feels almost electric. And there's something about being naked underneath him that leaves him feeling comfortable and _right_ , not exposed.

Lucifer kneels between his thighs, stroking his hardening cock with light, teasing touches. He's still fully clothed, the fabric of his jeans rough against Sam's skin. "I didn't, though," he continues, and it takes Sam a moment to remember where he'd left off. "All I wanted to do was _burn_ , but I didn't, because I couldn't bear the image of your disappointed face. I wanted to hunt down every last person who had ever touched you when I couldn't, but I didn't, because I knew it would make you unhappy."

Sam tips his head back, letting out a groan when Lucifer twists his wrist just right, and the look on his face is darkly satisfied. "I began to despair that I'd ever be able to show you how we were meant to be together, that you'd ever understand how much I needed you, and how you needed me. Part of you was empty, and you couldn't see that it was me, and I wanted so badly to take you and shake some sense into you, to force you to see," and Sam's breath hitches at that, the darkness in his words. "And I came close. When you've spent as long as I have, chained in the dark, not knowing yourself to be anything but terrible and cruel, it's hard to remember how to be gentle." He lets one hand rest over Sam's heart. "It wasn't _fair_ ," he says, and Sam's heart breaks a little.

"You have me," he says urgently, "you have me."

And Lucifer smiles, and it's radiant. "Yes. Because you let me in. You helped me remember how to be gentle, how to keep from breaking you into pieces." His hands keep working Sam, jerking him off, making him whine and arch his back until he's coming, undone by Lucifer's hand. Like he always will be. "You let me love you. How could I not adore you, venerate you? I would worship at your feet, Sam, because you were everything I had waited for and more." He drags Sam's head up, kisses him until he's gasping for air. "You will _always_ be enough."


End file.
